I feel worthless and like no one cares. This is going to be long.?

'm 13. I feel like I have a horrible life. I know it probably normal to feel like this at my age but I don't know what to do. My parents have nothing to do with me. I haven't seen my dad in almost 9 years and my mom only comes around when she needs something. I live with my grandma and we fight all the time. She thinks I don't care about her and that I wouldn't care if she died or if something happened to her. I get straight A's in school and was inducted in the NJHS(national junior honors society)but she always tell me I'm not going to amount to anything or I'm gonna screw my life up. At school it not much better. They think I'm quiet but I just don't want to talk to them. They think they can do whatever they want to me and I won't say anything I'm always told that if I would dress a certain way and be like everyone else I would have friends. But I like being individual and different. I'm told i'm ugly but I don't think I am. I have fair skin and goldish-reddish hair that I love. But it gets to the point where I start believing what they are saying. I have one really good friend that I know will always be there for me. But she moved last year and started hanging around with the wrong type of people. She had to go to alternative school because she was caught buying drugs. She never did that when she lived here. I have thought about commiting suicide a lot. A few times I came really close. I always end up talking my self out of it by telling my self that I'm going to do big things in life and all those other people will be either on the streets homeless or working some low life job. I have tried to tell my grandma about how I feel but she just gets pissed off and tells me I'm not going to do it and I just want attention. This all started after my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. I was really close to him. He died two years ago and that's when it got really bad. I felt worthless and like I had no body. I started getting violent with people and my grandma called the police and I never hit her again. But we still fight all the time and she threatens to call again.she said that I have a record and she can easily lie and tell them I hit her. I have big expectaions for myself. I would love to get excepted into parsons design school. People tell me I just want to be famous but really I just want to be able to express my self and my creativity. I don't think of myself as the 9 to 5,get married,have kids,die type of person. I don't think I could live like that. I need to be able to express myself and have some freedom. Not just sitting behind a desk in a office. Am I too young to be thinking about colledge already? is it wrong that I feel like this? how do I deal with it? I had been to a counseler once but my mom refused to pay for it(like she does everything else) I don't know what to do. I'm scared it will get to the point where I give up completely and just kill myself. what do I do?